Teller Sheriff Offered Head of Border Patrol Job

Mikesull Refuses the Unique Opportunity

Twevor Phlipps

Due to the ongoing crisis at the U.S./Mexico border, the Biden Administration has recently been searching all across the country for someone to step up and take control of the U.S. Border Patrol.

President Joe Biden shocked Teller residents when his final pick ended up being one of their own.

According to national news network QNN, the country’s largest law enforcement agency has recently been in turmoil. Over the past several months, the agency’s turnover rate has reached historic levels and recruitment for the department is at an all-time low.

Biden told The Crackpot that extreme times necessitate extreme measures. “Once I got the quarterly report from the border patrol, I instantly realized it was in major trouble,” Biden said. “I then immediately ordered my Vice President to take charge of a nationwide search for a true American that has what it takes to take over the reins of our nation’s most crucial law enforcement agency.”

According to a Biden spokesperson, the President and Vice President Kamala Harris worked overnight for a week in a row sifting through resumes of law enforcement leaders across the country. Two major things the free nation’s head honchos wanted were someone who had experience protecting the borders and someone with “big kahunas.”

During their extensive search, their eyes caught a recent headline that featured Teller County Sheriff Jason Mikesull. The headline had to do with the 287g immigration enforcement partnership the sheriff has successfully held with the federal government.

Once the President did further research, he was thrilled about all of the work that Mikesull has done with ICE. He was also excited about the efforts the sheriff has made to exterminate people who grow the “devil’s weed” within the county.

“After some research it was obvious to me that Jason Mikesull is a truly hard working American,” Biden said. “His track record proves that he takes border security seriously and he is a brave man with true integrity.”

To give him the announcement, both the President and Vice President flew into the county on Air Force One and Air Force Two. The two large jets landed in the middle of Highway 24 in Divide so that Biden and Harris could personally greet the sheriff at his new office and offer him the prestigious honors of being in charge of the nation’s borders.

When the jets landed, the sheriffs’ office called all of their 100 deputies into work to escort the President and Vice President 20 feet into the sheriff’s office. The sheriff was shocked to see the two top leaders knock on his office door and he never expected what they were there to do.

However, after Mikesull listened to their three hours’ worth of speeches that were aimed at recruiting the law enforcement head, he told them “no.” “I was extremely honored to be chosen to be the head of the border patrol over all of the very qualified law enforcement experts in our country,” Mikesull said. “But, in the end I couldn’t see myself taking the position. Teller County is my home and I am in the middle of running for sheriff for my second term. I just couldn’t find it in me to let down the Teller residents who I consider my family.”

The Teller County Commissioners were worried when they heard the sounds of the giant jets land in Divide and they weren’t sure what to think when the President and Vice President had a three hour plus closed door meeting with the sheriff. “I am just extremely proud that our sheriff was offered such a prestigious and vital position to lead our wonderful nation’s border security efforts,” County Commissioner Chairman Dan Wiliams said. “But, it would have absolutely broken my heart to see such an honorable, hard-working, tough, intelligent person to leave our beautiful county. I am humbled and honored that he chose to continue to serve us instead of Biden.”

Biden said that he was upset about the sheriff’s decision, but that he would probably go with his number two pick, Steven Segal.

Happy April Fool’s Week!

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