The April Fools Edition: The Mountain Crackpot
~ After weighing all the options to control the deer population in Woodland Park, the Department of Parks and Wildlife (DPW) has decided to release 50 mountain lions in and around Woodland Park to prey on
the abundant deer population.
The plan is to release the mountain lions in areas of the city that have been particularly crowded with deer. Early reports from DPW indicate the local areas most likely to release the big cats are: Shining
Mountain Golf course, Meadow Wood Sports Complex, just east of the Forest Edge subdivision, Highlands in Paradise subdivision, and Westwood Lakes subdivision.
To avoid the cougars settling in town permanently, DPW will radio collar and sterilize each cat so they can be easily recaptured and won’t reproduce willy-nilly. Once the cats have devoured as much as
60 percent of the deer, they will be sold to zoos and wildlife parks.
DPW has been studying the problem for years. They held a series of meetings throughout the region to garner input from residents on how to control the deer population. Wildlife lovers wanted a plan to
sterilize and relocate the deer to other areas of the state, but DPW said that plan is wildly expensive and relocating deer that may be carrying chronic wasting disease would endanger deer in the areas of
relocation. Hunters favored limited, controlled hunting to cull the deer population, but that plan was scratched because of objections from wildlife lovers.
DPW held a trial management program that allowed hunters to cull deer on the Air Force Academy grounds. That plan meet with some success, but residents in the area complained of deer running through their property with arrows stuck in their hindquarters, which scarred their children, giving them horrible nightmares and requiring psychiatric counseling.
Residents have complained for years that the overpopulation of deer in the city have been destroying their expensive landscaping and leaving droppings that had to be hauled off by the truckload.
The DPW considered every possible solution to the deer problem before deciding on the predator option.
According to DPW official Hunter Thompson, “After carefully considering all the options, the predator
option came out as the least expensive and most efficient way to solve the problem.” He went on to explain that, “After the mission is completed, the deer’s bones will be collected and sold to dog food
manufacturing plants and antlers will be auctioned off to craftsman to
make art.” This, according to Thompson, will likely pay for the entire mission.
The release is expected to begin this spring, possibly as early as May of this year and will last through the summer months and into early fall.
Bottom line according to Thompson is, “There are just too many deer in Woodland Park.” Thompson also suggested that residents keep pets inside for the duration of the mission. Joggers, mountain bikers,
hikers, and all city recreational enthusiasts are warned to avoid activities at dusk and dawn, as these are the time of day the Cougars will be doing their work. Thompson said, “We would hate to see people
injured or eaten by the Cougars, although the likelihood of this is slim due to the abundance of natural prey for the big cats.”
Sent from Mail for Windows 10
…
[Message clipped] View entire message
