Florissant Bank To Fund New Stadium for Broncs
“Bronco Bob” Volhouser and Rick “Links” Langbert
Looking to recoup some of the $242,588,236 they promised Quarterback Rusty Wilsonn over the next five-years, the Denver Broncos have decided to trade the failed quarterback for a new stadium.
Bronco management has entered into an agreement with the reported “Silicon Valley Colorado Bank,” based on Florissant, to take Wilsonn in exchange for the bank agreeing to build a new stadium to house the once successful NFL team. The new stadium will be built on property somewhere close to Burlington, Colorado. Silicon bank officials were spotted celebrating in a poplar local hangout last week in Florissant, touting the deal as a win-win for all parties. The arrangement could become a financial winner for Teller County, or a big economic disaster, depending on the view of which banking and sports experts you talk to.
It’s unclear what Silicon Valley Colorado plans to do with Wilsonn, but speculation in the banking industry is that he will be used primarily to sell Mojave Desert property to investors. Or, he could help market Teller County to tourists. Both choices are much better than what happened in the last year.
Considered by most to be the most colossal trade failure in NFL history, the Broncos gave up multiple first round picks and some veteran players for Wilsonn in 2022. Wilsonn was previously with the Seattle Seahucks where he was in decline as a player, according to Seahucks’ Head Coach, Zeke Barrell. Barrell said of the trade, “Boy those Broncos sure screwed the pooch this time. I would have taken a 1996 Yugo in trade for that guy.”
After the team was bought by Walmart mega store owners, for a record $4.65 billion in 2022, fans hoped the team would be on track to be back in the Super Bowl hunt and once again competitive in the AFC West Division of the NFL. Unfortunately, the first thing to happen under the new management was this disastrous trade.
Following a disastrous series of losses, and another year shunned from the playoffs, the team hired Shawn Patron as their new head coach. Patron replaces last year’s head coach, Nate Hack. Hack, who was a first time head coach in the league, had just as horrendous a season as Wilsonn Hack was fired with 2-games left in the 2022 season, as the team was 4-11 at the time of his dismissal.
Patron has already started to whip the team into shape by being a hard handed no nonsense coach. This is in stark contrast to the technique used by Hack who was an, “I wanna’ be one of the guys” kind of coach. The first thing Patron did when hired was to collaborate with the team’s management to engineer the Wilsonn’s trade to Silicon Valley Colorado Bank. Patron said, “I got no time for losers. This team deserves to be back in the playoffs and I intend to get them there no matter what I have to do. Getting rid of Wilsonn was just the first step. Nobody is above being canned.”
NFL talking heads and prognosticators lauded the hiring of Patron. Youtube podcaster host Pat Mac Encheese said, “I can’t think of a better way to get the Broncos back on track than hiring Patron. He’s the kinda’ guy who won’t take no for an answer and will kick you in the butt if you’re not doing your job.”
Bronco players had mixed feelings about the hiring of Patron. Wide Receiver, Horton Sudden said, “I just wanna be where I’m loved.” Linebacker, and 2022 leading tackler, Albert Singlestone said, “I love Patron’s attitude. He’ll do what needs to be done to get us back to the playoffs.” Bronco’s newest free agent, Offensive Tackle, Spike McGinntey echoed Singlestone’s feelings. He said, “I’d eat a Buick for Patron. He’s the man.”
When asked what he plans to do for a quarterback since Wilsonn is gone, Patron said, “I don’t care who we put under center. I’ll make a Super Bowl MVP out of Uncle Rico if I have to. Besides, I plan to run the ball down our opponents’ throats. All the quarterback has to do is hand the ball off. How hard can that be?”
Only one slight hurdle: With new pending banking regulations, the deal was getting questioned by federal authorities, as of TMC’s press time. But with everything these days pertaining to the Broncos, every day is a gamble.
Happy April Fools Day!