Elway to Come Out of Retirement – Robert Volpe


Bronco’s General Manager, former Bronco quarterback, Hall of Famer, model for the Broncos logo, and used car salesman John Elway said Monday, “Enough is enough. If Osweiler doesn’t want to be a Bronco, fine. I’ll come out of retirement and lead this team to another Super Bowl myself. Hell, I’m only 54! If Peyton can do it with only one leg and that stupid glove, so can I.”

It’s been a rough off season for the Denver Broncos this year. When Osweiler left for the Houston Texans, he left the Broncos scrambling for a new quarterback.

The Broncos were a bit tweaked by Osweiler’s decision. Head Coach Gary Kubiak said, “We were disappointed to say the least. You would think after all we did for him, he would show a little appreciation for the team. I hope he’s happy with Houston and I can’t wait to turn Demarcus Ware and Von Miller loose on him when we play the Texans. Break a leg Brock!”

Unfortunately for Denver, Osweiler was the cream of the crop of available experienced quarterbacks this year. Despite having only 7 NFL starts and a 5 and 2 record the Texans plopped down $19 million a year for Osweiler.

The rest of the experienced quarterbacks available are; RGIII, who, after having a stellar rookie year, has been plagued by injury and poor play. Same goes for Colin Kaepernick. Ryan Fitzpatrick is playing footsy with the Jets and Johnny “Football” Manziel will likely be sharing a cell with Aaron Hernandez by the start of the 2016 season.

“We looked at RGIII but decided against him.” said Elway. “During our meeting I asked him to toss me a bottle of water and it rolled the last four feet of the conference table and fell on the floor. It didn’t go well. As Griffin stood up to leave the meeting he tripped over his chair and dislocated his hip and had to be carried out on a stretcher. After the meeting we felt Griffin would be a much better fit for the Cleveland Browns. Cleveland is like the elephant graveyard of quarterbacks. It’s where they go to die.” said Elway.

Since the Jets are playing bobbing for bucks with Ryan Fitzpatrick, the Broncos took a look at him as well. “We like Ryan.” Elway said. We felt his beard fits well with the nuevo/retro direction areas like Lodo are heading. He would be a fine ambassador for the hipster demographic.”

The sticking point with Fitzpatrick is the same as with Osweiler. Money. Fitz wants the same kind of cash that Osweiler got from Houston and the Broncos are strapped for cash under the salary cap this year.

“We would love to have Fitz on our team next year.” lamented Elway. “Out problem is we have very little room under the salary cap.”

The Broncos had to put the franchise tag on unrestricted free agent Von Miller this year to keep him and he will be demanding a lot of cash heading into his next contract.

Elway went on to say, “We’re looking at having bake sales and asking the local Girl Scouts to donate some of their cookie money to the team to help pay for Miller.”

Manziel was a no go from the get go. “We didn’t even want to talk to him.” said Elway. “We didn’t think he would do well here. We have a lot of curvy roads that have thousand foot drop offs and are afraid he would likely wind up driving off a cliff before he got to play one snap for us. Furthermore, we are concerned he would be partying so hard in Boulder with CU students that he would forget to show up for games.”

Then there is Colin Kaepernick. While he is not a free agent, he has expressed a desire to be traded from the Niners. He’s not a happy camper after being benched last season. The Niners new head coach Chip Kelly would like to keep Kaepernick around but having a disgruntled cry baby sobbing on the bench is a scenario he would rather not deal with. So there is still a possibility the Broncos will attempt a trade for Kaepernick out of desperation.

This leads us to the guy the Broncos DID sign as a potential starting quarterback next year.

Enter Mark Sanchez. The Broncos acquired Sanchez from the Eagles for a conditional 7th round pick in the 2017 draft. The Eagles also threw in six boxes of Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets, and a case of frozen Philly cheese steaks.

Sanchez was drafted by the Jets in 2009 and led them to the playoffs in both of his first two years with the team. Since then he has been bounced around to more teams than the hookers from the Minnesota Vikings boat party.

Asked about signing Sanchez, Elway just shuffled off muttering unintelligibly under his breath.

Broncos safety TJ Ward did talk about Sanchez and his prospects for the team. Ward said, “Whenever you don’t have a quarterback, it’s going to impact your team,” Ward told Maurice Jones-Drew on NFL Network. “But defensively, we have one mindset: No one scores. So if we continue to do that, continue to prepare, and dominate on the defensive side, then we’ll be alright. But we got to find someone back there. Right now I think we have Mark Sanchez signed and, um, he … he has experience in this league.” Then, he burst into laughter.

Elway concluded the interview by saying, “I’m serious about coming back. If we can’t find someone better than Sanchez to lead this team, I will resurrect number 7 and be under center next year. I know I can beat out that chump Sanchez for the job.”