Investigations

March 31, 2015 April Fool's Issue.pmdInvestigations
A recent sting operation, plus the addition of several new officers and a strict crackdown against new regulations pertaining to political correct behavior, has resulted in a huge spike in local arrests. A special warning: The latest operation has targeted a number of high profile citizens, who unsuccessfully tried to have their names yanked from our weekly law enforcement blotter. Better luck next time.

David Buttry of Woodland Park has been cited for parking illegally inside a downtown central parking lot, and exceeding the two hour parking limit. Bond: $600, a penalty that can only be reduced if he listens to the joint ramblings of Jannie Wilsone and April McMaken-Baben for five hours straight in the same room.

Commissioner David Paulie of Divide has been cited for verbally trashing a Democratic-leaning journalist from The Mountain Crackpot. Bond: $700, a fine that may be reduced only if he repents and admits he loves Obamacare.

CR Chamers of Florissant has been cited for desecrating a golf swing and violating the ethics of high country survival. Bond: $1,0000, a fine that can only be reduced by walking down Pikes Peak on sandals or entering a golf clinic, sponsored by Hank Haney, the former golf coach of Tiger Woods, immediately.

Mike Ensminer of Divide has been questioned for publicly disputing with proponents of The Mountain Jackpot newspaper and his former opponent, Mark Manrique. A plea deal is underway if the sheriff agrees to lock himself in a room and read columns of Mad Dog Murf for 15 hours straight.

Mayor Bruce Brownie of Cripple Creek has been cited for delinquent bill paying. Bond: $1,000, a fine that can be reduced if he settles up with a local newspaper.

Councilman Chriss Hazleti of Cripple Creek has been cited for running a government from the confines of a local bar. Bond: $1,000, a fine that can only be reduced if he agrees not to discuss local politics for 24 hours.

Melissa Trenerie of Cripple Creek has been cited for excessive gossip in a public place. Bond: $1,000, a fine that can only be reduced if she agrees not to talk for five hours.

Cripple Creek Promoter Jim Ware has been cited for inciting a potential riot through organizing the Altamont Reunion Festival. Bond: $2,000, a fine that can only be reduced if he agrees to take his annual festival to another town.

Teller County Administrator Sheryl Deckar of Divide has been cited for horrendous Super Bowl predictions, resulting in the serious loss of money for anyone who reads her ridiculous claims. Bond: $700, a fine that may be reduced if she agrees to a permanent ban from Mile High Stadium for two years.

Mayor Neil Lavy of Woodland Park has been cited for torture, by namely subjecting local journalists to six hour meetings and allowing public speakers to ramble on for 30 minutes. Bond: $800, a fine that can only be reduced if he cuts meetings to two hours.

Woodland Park Planning Director Sally Riley has been cited for indulging the city in excessive studies. Bond: $600.

Mike Parini of Woodland Park has been cited for speaking in a different language not known to the human race. Bond: $600, a fine that can only be reduced if he speaks highly of The Mountain Crackpot’s annual edition.

Mac Pirone of Green Mountain Falls has been cited for destroying the roof of the new GMF Town Hall through excessive screaming. Bond: $8000, a fine that can only be reduced if he says good things about Marshal Tim Brady and resident Dick Braton for two hours.

Ann Pineli of Green Mountain Falls has been cited for sparking a protest through the illegal feeding of geese and the crowning of General Roy. Bond: $600.

Dick Braton of Green Mountain Falls has been cited for illegal hiking. Bond: $600, an amount that can only be reduced if he agrees not to talk about trails for three weeks.

Mike Tomei of Victor has been cited for riding his bicycle while disturbing the peace, acting in a disorderly manner and resisting arrest. Bond: $1,000, a fine that can only be reduced if he attends five local Easter Egg hunts this weekend.

Stanley Conley of Cripple Creek has been cited for stealing 15 yaks and attempting to sell them on the black market when brand inspectors busted him. Bond: $600, a fine that can only be reduced if he competes in this year’s Donkey Derby race.

Mary Bielz of Victor has been cited for too much generosity after loading 10 shopping carts full of groceries for the Aspen Mine food pantry. Bond: $600, a fine that can only be reduced if she harasses the city council in Cripple Creek on a regular basis regarding transportation in the district.