Center of the No-Gun Universe

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Divide, Colorado will become the first “no-gun” hub in the state, based on a new governor’s proclamation.

All guns, including small pistols, hunting rifles and semi-automatic weapons, will be confiscated by 5 p.m. Friday evening (April 5), with drop-off centers established at McGinty’s Wood Oven Pub, the Teller County Sheriff’s Office and Smokin’ Q Restaurant

The fines for not adhering to this new law are $2,000 per person, with no exceptions. The only exemptions are for those who can prove they face a daily threat. This new law impacts all residents of the Divide and surrounding areas, and anyone passing through town, including motorists, tourists and gamblers. Visitors, after depositing their weapons at designated drop-off centers, can then retain them two days after they exit the area, if they sign a written affidavit agreeing to keep them unloaded within a 10-mile radius of Divide. Exceptions will be made for those partaking in hunting trips and of course, for law enforcement officials.

The latest package is part of unprecedented gun control legislation, advancing through the state Capitol at a record speed. According to Democratic Senate President John Morsee, the“no gun” pilot communities plan have been implemented as part of an attempt to change the violent culture of Colorado. “Divide is an absolutely perfect spot for this type of display and in respecting the families of victims of some of the most horrific tragedies in our nation. And with all the wild and bizarre signs they have, if Divide can change its ways, then there is hope for any community in the United States.” “The implementation of this law is a little swifter than what I wanted to see. But I have no choice in this matter,” commented Teller County Sheriff Mike Ensminer, in a prepared statement. “We live in a Democratic State. The Second Amendment no longer exists in Colorado.”

Oddly enough, the legislative package has brought the Smokin’ Q and the sheriff’s department, previous foes regarding a variety of situations, on the same side of the aisle regarding a contentious issue. According to a sighting from an anonymous source, Ensminer and Smokin’ Q owner Steve Karison were actually spotted shaking hands three days ago. “It really doesn’t matter, since all my guns have been confiscated anyway,” commented Karison. “But we will do our part in collecting these dangerous weapons and keeping them away from the sheriff. This means I will have to change my signs once again.” “Over my dead body,” commented Senator Greg Bophiee of Wray, one of the more vocal legislators and foes of gun control, in discussing the “no-gun” propositions. These Democratic lawmakers are digging their own grave. Maybe I will provide them the shovel.”

The sheriff, in a press conference on Monday, wouldn’t elaborate on whether knives would be confiscated also. In addition, a joint lawsuit is being mulled by the city of Cripple Creek and Teller County, action supported by the County Sheriffs of Colorado group.

“My God, our legal fees will now exceed $5.8 million for the year,” commented Deborah Mckowie of the Teller County Tea Party.

“Let’s go for the record,” said Dave Paulie, the King of the Teller County Commissioners. “One thing my good friend Greg Winkie (former county administrator) advised me about recently is that lawsuits are like the flu. We are below average anyway. Maybe, this will give us that extra bump to put us in the top five in the state. According to a White House press release, Vice President Joe Bidden and Governor John Hickendoaper will visit Divide next week to celebrate the “no-gun” edict and to sip a few Irish brews. “I can’t think of a better place to ban guns than in Divide,” said Bidden. Hickendoaper, who has already been touted as a potential vice-president or presidential candidate in the 2016 contest, agreed. “I know my good friends from Teller County may not always agree with me, but this is another example of the state moving forward.” And Chris Mattfews of MSNBC, noted, “This is the exact type of aggressive gun control measures we need in our county. You got that Harrry Reide, (speaker of the U.S. Senate), who already opted to forgo a legislative effort to ban semi-automatic weapons. “Teller County is six steps ahead of Washington D.C. But that’s not hard to do these days.”