Time For Heads To Roll In Rockies Land

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by Rick Langenberg:

 

 

The Denver Broncos, with King Peyton at the helm are making a serious bid at becoming the first undefeated NFL team in a single year since the Vietnam War; the Colorado Avalanche are off to a roaring start, thanks to the “winning is everything” attitude of coach and former goalie Patrick Roy; and yes, the Colorado Rockies are headed for another fall in the National League West dungeon.

Unless serious changes occur, the Rockies are bound to finish in last place for yet another year, keeping their reputation as the worst sports team in Colorado. They now have spent nine of the last 13 seasons with losing records, and the last two in the cellar.

With the end of another regular baseball season, serious questions are persisting about the psychological health of Rockies owner Dick Monfort and company, who apparently love to lose. Maybe Dick ingested a mysterious drug or had a haunting vision along the way. Or, maybe he actually led the campaign for recreational marijuana in Colorado and consumed a hefty amount of cannabis brownies in the process. We have heard more absurd theories about this burgeoning pro-reefer movement in our state.

The Denver Post recently commented that Monfort actually likes to win, but only on his terms. That’s reassuring for an owner that should clearly have some executive and managerial heads rolling on a plate. Head Rockies’ executives Dan O’Dowd and Bill Geivett shouldn’t be just fired, they should be banned from entering the state again. And Mr. Personality himself, current team puppet manager Walt Weiss, should be given immediate instructions on conducting press conferences and resume his previous role of managing a high school team in Aurora. The current media charades, which pretty much display Weiss’ ignorance, are a complete waste of time and could almost be great for a Saturday Night Live skit on why not to have baseball press conferences.

And if drastic management shake-ups don’t occur, then the Monfort Carnival Show needs to add at least three new bars at Coors Field. There is no possible way the loyal fans at Coors Field, which ranks in the top ten in fan attendance in the National League, can watch this disaster in a sober fashion any longer. And this losing trend continues to persist, despite some great Rockies talent with the likes of 2013 NL hitting champ Michael Cuddyer, Carlos Gonzalez, Troy Tulowitzki and pitching ace, Jorge De La Rosa, one of the few surprising standouts of the 2013 season for the Rocks.

Obviously, the team has some serious upper management issues. Why would former Rockies skipper Jim Tracy, who received the manager of the year title in 2009 (and here is a guy who definitely knows how to handle the media) walk away from a $1.3-plus million contract this year? And although it’s not certain, the woeful state of the Rockies probably influenced legendary first baseman Todd Helton’s decision to pack it up and call it a career after 17 seasons.

But the pain gets worse.

The recent sight of ex-Rockies skipper Clint Hurdle getting soaked with champagne after taking the lowly Pittsburgh Pirates from a record string of losing seasons to the Wild Card National League Championship and darn close to the National League Championship series finales, really hurt. Here is a guy who was fired by our beloved executive experts for upsetting the culture of the Rockies.

Yes, he got in the face of a few players and expected them to win. And just for a few reminders, Clint was the manager who spearheaded the Rockies in their magical sprint to the 2007 World Series, with a winning streak of close to 25 games in September and October.

Already, sports experts of the TMJ have been bombarded with possible local torture suggestions to bring Monfort, O’Dowd and company back to reality. It has even been suggested that Dick Cheney’s water boarding ideas be re-introduced.

Here are just a few ideas we have received from sports buffs in the area.

*Hire the Rockies owners as the new town hall manager of Green Mountain Falls. After dealing with the political turmoil there and handling a Lorrie Worthey and Mac Pitrone dispute and just attending a local meeting, Monfort will instantly surrender, invest mucho bucks into acquiring new players and hire a real general manager and team manager. And you thought that the Green Mountain Falls’ political turmoil didn’t have a real purpose.

*Require Monfort to conduct a several day outdoor Pikes Peak excursion with photo czar Charlie Chambers of the TMJ, already known as the most ill-prepared man on the mountain, according to experts from the Teller County Search and Rescue team. (How many people show up for avalanche training in attire more suitable for a Broadway show). After nearly freezing to death and encountering another life and death vision, the Rockies owner will understand his mistakes of the past and reach the conclusion that Colorado baseball fans, believe it or not, do enjoy seeing their team win.

*Play the role as referee in the ongoing dispute between Teller County and Woodland Park, or better yet; force Monfort to try to obtain a building permit in our fine local abode. This could become the clincher and may force our illustrious Rockies team owner to make a serious commitment towards winning again.

*Force Monfort and company to accompany Salute to American Veterans Rally promoter Jim Wear on a motorcycle ride during next year’s rally. Talk about verbal torture. Of course, with Monfort’s logic, he will probably hire Wear as a relief pitcher to save money.

*Start a petition to convince Monfort to sell the team to responsible owners. That is probably the best solution.