By The Local Sneetch
Someone has come up with a great idea for the aquatic center. Seems secret plans were leaked about the end state for the aquatic center. One of the items includes a water slide or series of water slides that will extend from Woodland Park to Manitou. Also plans to turn the not yet started, but soon to be new, and sometimes unpopular Woodland Park Aquatic Center into a pay per view establishment to help pay for the aquatic center have come to light.
. The fifteen year old who was the friend, of a friend, of a local board official was overheard telling the friend of a friend that his or her parents had been discussing some upcoming plans for how the aquatic center could turn into a real gold mine one quarter at a time.
It seems that there will be a large wall built around the center, or at least a section of the center, and the surrounding grounds will be sectionalized for various lifestyles, not necessarily of the rich and famous. Some of the sections will be TOPLESS is what our little local snitch shared and there will be windows in the walls where folks can go check out the sunbathing scenery! Of course there will be a barrier that will drop for a minute when a quarter is put into the coin slot below the window. But, the initial price will be a dollar to get the barrier to drop so a person can check out the action. It will be kind of like a car wash; you can add a few dollars to the coin slot and keep the window down for a period of time. It was explained that because the people sunbathing aren’t in it for the money so the arrangement will be perfectly legal in all aspects and no rezoning will be necessary, besides, it will just be people paying to watch people sunbathe. Also ATMs and quarter machine will be installed for public convenience. Photography will be prohibited on site as that would just be wrong.
Now don’t that beat all? I guess the ingenuity of some people just knows no bounds. Wish I would have thought of something like that, I could be a bazillionaire in no time. I mean, golly, ya know!
In other developments, it appears that the Woodland by-pass is once again in the works. Seeing as it is a “shovel ready” job the Federal Government is getting involved in a number of arenas. Seems the bypass will be built entirely by shovel wielding illegal aliens to minimize the carbon footprint and lessen the ecological impact. The EPA says it will closely monitor the project to make sure that the impact is minimal on the local wild life. The project is expected to take about ten years because no power equipment will be allowed on the sight. The route will be carefully laid out to ensure that the fewest number of trees are cut down. The route promises to have more curves than the Miss Universe pageant but be very relaxing and enjoyable for everyone except for maybe the vehicle driver. Over and underpasses will be included to make sure that the local wild life can cross the road without having to step on the road.
Well howdy, I suppose the bypass will make for some great driving. I mean if it is all twisty and turny maybe we could arrange to have Formula One racing on the circuit, if the EPA will permit. Such a shindig would of course stimulate the economy.
Another recent soon to be the new show in town is some outfit named Jimmy John’s. Most other Jimmy John’s shops are “freaky fast” or so I am told. The new Jimmy John’s here has made a determination to just be “freaky”. After the franchise holders discovered that the nickname of Woodland Park is Weirdland Park, they decided to just make weird sandwiches. Menu items are rumored to include a variety of exotic fowl to include ostrich, peacock, emu, and one of my favorites spotted owl. For those who prefer their meat with a little red in it there will be a selection of beefalo, water buffalo, gazelle, and gnu. The menu will be a little pricey because of all the distance involved in the supply chain, but Jimmy John’s thinks it is on to something with satisfying the weird appetites created by high altitude and plenty of marijuana.
I don’t know about all you folks but I can’t wait to sink my teeth into an anaconda watercress sandwich if they have that variety of meat. That should be one long winded sandwich. I can’t wait to see if they offer whale or Chilean sea bass.
I hear also that the golf course is in negotiations with the local flying club to install a landing strip between the pins to bolster the golf courses ability to increase its revenues during the slow season. The golf course will be one of the first fly and drive golf courses in Colorado. Additionally, the building of hangars for houses bordering the course promises to give some business to the local contractors. The overall project could last for years due to the debates on how the permitting will work. But all in all it will be an easy in and out to the golf course. The course is too short for standard small aircraft, it will only accommodate ultra-lights and hang gliders/paragliders in the initial phases so that engineers can get an idea of how things will work, or not. Later there may be the opportunity for small jet assisted take off aircraft if the course can get that much space.
Seriously, do we need another attraction in Woodland Park? I mean, I can see people traveling from miles around to watch ultra-lights and small aircraft lining up for controlled or uncontrolled crash landings at this altitude. Looks like we will require a scenic overlook at the golf course to keep traffic from backing up. But maybe it will give the fire department and local ambulance a little additional practice.
As a final aside, Divide is considering a Sam’s Club, the locals are stoked about the new Sam’s Club. The primary reason is to generate traffic and tourism to the area. Sam’s Club of course has way great sales on stuff, even though everything is difficult to find the second time around. The secondary reason is that the Sam’s Club will act as a COG sight, or continuity of government site should the long awaited zombie apocalypse occur. Seems that someone figured out that a membership is required to get into Sam’s Club and because the zombies have no membership, the zombies won’t get into Sam’s Club. So unless there is a big change to the system, Sam’s Club will be the official fall back sight for government folks in case of a zombie apocalypse. So all government officials will receive a free membership so they can escape the zombies and ensure that government goes on, though no one can figure out why government will be needed if everyone else turns into zombies.
Okay, me personally I don’t think there will be a zombie apocalypse, but I wouldn’t mind a Sam’s Club as close as Divide. I mean driving in Colorado Springs is like driving amongst a bunch of zombies so I am just okay with a Sam’s. But I think that the membership deal is well, oppressive and exclusive. We should all get a free membership because we deserve one.
So as Weirdland Park and Teller County continue to evolve or devolve, depending on your stance, and heads into another summer, everyone have a very happy April and remember, things change, sometimes slow and sometimes fast, but things will change, and tomorrow never gets here…..so if any of these things bother you or you want more information, bulletins will be posted at the Midland Station in the Woodland Park downtown area just so you can stay in the know.
By The Local Sneetch