Tiger Woods’ Shocking Retirement Notice

New Foundation Learning Center Set for Shining Mountain (Crackpot Story)

~ by Rick Langenberg ~

Tiger Woods will officially end his career as a professional golf star icon this Thursday during a press conference, set at the Shining Mountain Golf Club in Woodland Park.

Woods, who has struggled with a bout of injuries in the last several years, plans to announce a new Colorado-based Tiger Woods Foundation and Learning Center, with a main headquarters at Shining Mountain Golf Club. “We hope to increase our Foundation work more in the Rocky Mountain region,” said Woods. “Shining Mountain also would provide a little more of a rural retreat from the main metropolitan areas along the East Coast and Florida.

“This is great news,” said Shining Mountain owner Greg Brown. “It figures, we get more help from a retired golf star than from the city of Woodland Park.”

“We more than welcome Mr. Woods to our community,” said City Manager David Buttery.  “This may help us raise more money for another water slide for our $35 million aquatic center.”

“This is what Elevate your Attitude is all about,” said local media wiz Mike Perini. “When we do things up here, we go all the way.”   

Woods’ retirement notice isn’t completely unexpected as the golfing great   has suffered from a bombardment of injuries, and his game has fallen way short of expectations. His return to the pro tour this year was halted by another serious injury, forcing him to withdraw from Dubai Desert Classic and suspend scheduled play in all further tournaments. However, speculation mounted that his withdrawal was further accentuated by some of his worst tournament play, since he was a young teenager.  

His retirement will probably end Woods’ bid of trying to reach Jack Nicklaus’ record 18 major championships.  Still, Woods has recorded 14 major championships and is second only to golfing great Sam Snead in the total amount of tour wins garnered by a regular player.  

And during his prime, no active professional player ever dominated and intimidated his fellow peers as much as Woods did. For many years, tour events and major championships almost turned into a Tiger versus the field scenario.  

Outside of professional golf, the Tiger Woods Foundation and Learning Centers are an amazing success story with a bevy of outlets growing on an annual basis, with an emphasis on golf instruction and character developments, two attributes definitely  needed in Teller County.   

According to unconfirmed news reports, a recent video of several golf swings in the area prompted Woods’ interest in locating a Learning Center in Woodland Park.

“These people need emergency golf assistance,” said Woods. The golfing great got a sense of his center’s desperation mission when viewing the golf swing video of regional multimedia expert CR Chambers. “That’s the worst swing I have seen since Charles Barkley,” said Woods, in commenting on his close friend, a former basketball star and now television analyst and media personality. “And that takes a lot of talent to have a swing worse than old Barkley.” Barkley’s links plight was once the subject of a reality television series on the Golf Channel.    

Chambers, though, set the record for the most lost golf balls ever recorded during any round ever played at Shining Mountain during a Chamber of Commerce outing several years ago, and possibly in any venue in the world. “I am proud of that record,” said Chambers, in regards to 25 lost balls within the first three holes. “Tiger and Jack can have their stupid trophies.”

In fact, CR’s performance, along with The Mountain Crackpot (TMC) team, prompted an immediate inquiry by the federal government after TMC golfers trampled into sacred wetlands areas and disturbed a new herd of Mexican gophers while searching for 75 stray golf shots.  

“This is why we need to get rid of the EPA,” said a frustrated President Donald Trump, when hearing the latest report. “At least, we got TMC on our side, even though they are nothing but fake news.”   

The resurrection of CR’s swing is an objective of the new Tiger Woods Learning Center in Woodland Park. It may result in a revolutionary style of new instruction.